In early March this year, 2022, I will officially reach what is known in cricketing parlance, a half century. Fifty years old. It feels weird typing that out and even weirder contemplating being that age.
If the current forty-nine-year-old me could jump in Doctor Who’s TARDIS and time-travel to me aged twenty-one years, and ask for predictions as to what my current status and life looked like I am certain I would not even be close.
The most important question or questions perhaps would be “Are you happy, healthy and safe?” and without wanting to break the space/time continuum I would be able to answer in the affirmative. Current me would have to resist the urge to tell younger me of the life lessons we learnt the hard way. I hesitate to call them regrets, rather experiencing situations that I knew at the time were avoidable, at least some of them.
Younger me probably would be surprised knowing we grow up without meeting someone to marry and have children with, or still yet to own the roof over our heads. Those were pretty much standard life goals that everyone had. Whereas myself right now, I am much more pragmatic at living a slightly less conventional life. A hedonistic bachelor life certainly isn’t how I would describe it, but I haven’t left a trail of broken relationships or anything like that.
Turning fifty does not feel much different to turning forty if the truth be told except, I now feel content at where I find myself in life. I went through my so-called midlife crisis around the age of forty-four. Back then as I recall, I was unhappy despite having a very well-paid job, exercising regularly and all that.
Some, not all, cancers have a root cause or something that can be pointed out as culprit. Mine was one of those that just happened. If I had to ascribe a reason, I’d go philosophical and draw upon my one of my favourite science fiction shows “Babylon 5” that has an episode where a character describes us (as individuals) as “the universe made manifest, breaking itself into tiny parts and trying to work itself out”. So, for me the universe was trying to make me wake up and work myself out.
Back then if I encountered difficulties in life, my go to strategy was avoidance. Pretend it wasn’t really happening, don’t talk about it, play it down and hope that eventually whatever the difficulty was, it would in time resolve itself without too much of my involvement.
There are many examples and I want to keep this concise but issues with my parents, my finances, my pursuit of unrealistic and unwise romantic dalliances are but a few. I was in a high-functioning depressive state for many years. I think honestly the decade and a bit of my thirties to early forties was a period that I was definitely “lost” and just going through the motions of living, existing rather than actively enjoying life.
Come early 2016 and the universe decided to send me a wake-up call that I could not ignore, a major health scare. No, it wasn’t cancer although that was the underlying health issue that had been burbling away inside me from around mid to late 2015. The immediate “this isn’t going to fix itself” moment was in late February when I ended up in the emergency department of the local hospital in agonising pain. Of course, after some pain medication and a too long wait I left and instead attended a local GP the next day, who initially just diagnosed a urinary tract infection. The pain didn’t return but the discomfort was ever present and eventually I had an ultrasound, and the possibility was a kidney stone.
Remember how I said my coping strategy was avoidance? Well instead of following up with a specialist to get further tests and treatments I just hoped the kidney stone would pass naturally and that would be that. I lived with the discomfort of frequent bathroom visits.
Meanwhile, some friends and family had noticed how gaunt looking I had become but none actively voiced their concerns to me at the time, with most assuming it was the exercise and diet I was on, although by that stage I was barely going to the gym twice a week if at all.
My body finally decided that enough was enough around early June 2016 and again, sent me to the emergency room in agony as the still un-diagnosed kidney stone went as far as it could go. This time I made it into an exam room at the hospital and they put me through a barrage of initial tests, CT scan and X-ray.
The whole story is probably deserving of its’ own blog post, perhaps later this year when I cross another milestone from remission to being considered cured, after five years of regular tests and check-ups.
Suffice to say that not only did the kidney stone force the issue, but it was also the reason my cancer was found and diagnosed and successfully treated. Another few months and the outcome might have been different.
That experience really did change me and my outlook to life. To stop just ‘existing’ and rather enjoy life and all the little joys and moments. Going through that period of intense sickness and then again making the hard decision to quit a job in 2019 and confront my obvious anxiety and depression issues which were starting to exhibit themselves helped me better myself and set myself up to better cope rather than just trying to avoid difficulties.
It is why I think mentally getting through the challenges of a global pandemic and being stuck at home in lock downs for many weeks/months on and off has been easier for me than many others.
Turning fifty years old? Bring it on. I fully intend to live to be one hundred so we’re only halfway through and way more life and living to do.
